The Bounty Hunter

I'm not too sure why I do this to myself. Perhaps this unusual behavior can be linked to my subconscious desire for a mental raping or some other disturbing masochistic act. However, I can't stop myself. Terrible movies are to me what cocaine/prostitutes are to Chaz Sheen.

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Has my narcissism diminished along with my remaining days on this earth? No. I attribute this hiatus to the absence of Twilight fever or something more profound...like getting tested positive for Hepatitis C.

With all that being said, I will keep this review relatively short. For those that had the displeasure of viewing "The Bounty Hunter" starring Jennifer Aniston and Gerrard Butler, I offer my sincerest apologies. I had no part in the production of the film, but I am sorry in the way you console a friend after he or she has lost a loved one.

In almost every romantic comedy, no matter how awful it is, there exists at least 1 or 2 moments of genuine comedy. If I don't laugh, at the very least I think to myself, "that was a clever joke." This movie produced no such moments. On the degree of difficulty scale, such an accomplishment rivals nuclear fusion and finding a cure for cancer.

I suppose this film can be described in 3 words.

1. Unfunny

2. Predictable

3. Unresolved

I cannot emphasize that final point enough. After finishing this masterpiece and having time to reflect on it, I can't help but think of the WNBA....where terrible happens.

One final note.

If I had to rate this movie on a scale between 1-10, I would give this 8.5 abortions.

New Moon

“You’re my only reason to stay alive.”

The aforementioned quote is from the 2nd installment of the Twilight saga. This quote along with many other similar moments of discourse is what allows New Moon to take the “cheese” factor to unfathomable heights.

For the most part, New Moon is superior to Twilight. Less logical oversights, higher production value and already established characters allows this film to be somewhat watchable. It is a rare moment when a sequel is superior to the original. By no means am I calling this film the next Godfather II or The Dark Knight, but it isn’t an abortion like Son of the Mask. New Moon’s shortcomings are not due to its wild logical oversights and lack of research (although some still exist), but the overall nature of its main character.

Before addressing the idiotic nature of Bella (the main character), there are a few things that need to be addressed.

-The fictional nature of the high school that Bella and Edward attend

1. Bella and Edward are both seniors in high school.
2. They are enrolled in the same English class
3. In that class they are reading Romeo and Juliet

This is possibly problematic. I understand that the writer is attempting to establish parallels between Bella/Edward and Romeo/Juliet, but it’s a bit of a reach. Most high schools have English classes read that Shakespearian classic in either 9th or 10th grade….not 12th. Senior English classes usually read and analyze Hamlet or Macbeth.

-The nature of Edward

“Bella, you give me everything just by breathing.”

None other than Edward delivers that poetic masterpiece. Although it may seem a bit over the top, the implications of this quote are much more bothersome.

1. Edward is over 100 years old
2. Bella is 18 years old

That means that Edward has lived through historical moments that stretches back before World War I. Its difficult believe that a man with over 100 years of experience would be so wildly attracted to a girl in high school. It’s fair to assume that in his 100 years of existence that he has not only been exposed to significant historical events but became rather educated in the process. It seems his highly developed level of sophistication and world exposure would not allow him to be in love with a girl who is 18 years old. I imagine a woman in her 30’s would be much more engaging due to her maturity and exposure to life experiences, especially for a someone as old as Edward.

-The nature of her friend Jessica

Bella and Jessica are seen leaving a movie theater together. It’s implied that they watched a zombie movie and Jessica begins a minor rant on the merits of such a film.

First, she mentions in the rant that her cousin has leprosy. In the US, approximately 6000 people have leprosy and of the 6000, only .1% does not respond to treatment. So is she upset because her cousin is a part of that .1%? I don’t get it.

Second, she questions whether this zombie movie was a metaphor for consumerism. I would like to state, girls in high school do not analyze the artistic merits of zombie movies and the possible subtexts that might exist within such films.

-The nature of Bella

For those who haven’t seen this masterpiece, the primary plot of the film consists of Bella wanting to be changed into a vampire so she can be with Edward forever. He isn’t too keen on the idea because he believes that she would have to forfeit her soul in order to become like him. His love for her transcends the physical (supposedly) thus not allowing him to change her. It’s fairly noble, although somewhat unbelievable. During a conversation about the given topic Bella utters these supposedly romantic words.

“I don’t want my soul without you.”

This complete lack of foresight ushered in the beginning of the main character’s downward spiral into unforgivably idiotic behavior. First, I feel the philosophical implications of the given quote cannot go unaddressed. Bella essentially states that she would welcome the thought of non-existence or hell if that meant a lifetime on earth with Edward. Insanely dumb and very shortsighted.

Edward leaves for an extended period of time and Bella gets involved Jacob (played by Taylor Lautner) who happens to be a werewolf-type creature when provoked. Bella suffers through a bout of depression and she can only see visions of Edward when she acts recklessly. I want thoroughly examine these acts of irrational behavior.

Scenario #1

The first time Bella saw a vision of Edward was when she was exiting the movie theater with her friend Jessica. A group of men that appear to be of ill repute call to her and as she approaches she sees a vision of Edward. A man offers her a ride on his motorcycle and because she now can see visions of Edwards she willingly accepts this man’s invitation. She willingly puts herself in a situation where she could get RAPED or GANGBANGED just so she can see an apparition of her lost love. Absolutely ridiculous.

Scenario #2

After Edward leaves, Bella and Jacob begin repairing some old motorcycles together. Why? Because Bella realizes she can see more visions of Edward by putting her life in danger. Good one.

So the time comes when Jacob and Bella are finally going to take their choppers out for a spin. Bella recklessly drives to the point where she crashes and her midsection collides with a boulder. This presented a moment for the “attention to detail” department to take short break. The scene can be viewed here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxYqqzQdLeQ

After taking a spill of that nature, one can easily assume one or more of the following injuries are suffered: Broken ribs, punctured lungs, internal bleeding and/or a concussion. But the movie clearly indicates all she suffers is a scratch on the head. Which left me with the following inquiry. Really?

Scenario #3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5UfAiZDh-U

My comments can be summed up simply.

Yeah….sure.

Overall, this film continues to enforce the idea that Bella is unforgivably stupid. Her acts of insanity in the name of love are simply that….insane.

2 final notes

1. Taylor Lautner is an exceptionally bad actor.
2. Edward looks like a retard on quaaludes.

17 Again

Before I begin, I would like to remind everyone that this movie was a wild success in regards to the box office numbers. The estimated cost of this film fell somewhere between $20-30 million and took in a worldwide gross of an estimated $130 million. Phenomenal.

First and foremost, one must give major props for the originality of this screenplay. A grown man named Mike O’Donnell (Matthew Perry), who has been beaten down by life, transforms into the 17-year-old version of himself (Zac Efron) and reconnects with his wife and children. Move over Charlie Kaufman, there is a new writing powerhouse in town.

Aside from the overall storyline, here are some more original gems that caught my attention.

1) A grown man who had “nerdy” tendencies meets his counterpart who happens to be surprisingly attractive and is also a fellow nerd.
2) During a party scene, the high school students are being unreasonably loud. Shortly thereafter, the owner of the home arrives with his date (the principal). She proceeds to yell and you’ll never guess it, the music suddenly stops and everyone at the party looks at the principal and leaves. I’ve never seen this type of a scene happen in a movie before. Ever.
3) The high school daughter of the main character is attracted to the high school version of the father and tries to kiss him. Hilarity ensues.
4) The primary antagonist is a bully/jock that happens to dress like a scene kid (who inexplicably listens to Limp Bizkit). He also happens to be a royal prick to the son of Mike O’Donnell (Matthew Berry’s character) for no apparent reason. An antagonist with no motive? I love it.
5) When the nerd character and the principal go out on a date, the principal says in elf language, “Your lair or mine?” and then he says, “Check, please.” Get it? He’s so excited about the prospect of having sex that he doesn’t even care to finish his meal. It’s so clever.

Despite these amazingly original ideas, this daring film did have its fair share of logical oversights. Such oversights that could have been easily remedied had the writers/director simply applied some common sense or talked to someone that did.

The opening sequence takes place in 1989 with a young Mike O’Donnell (played by Zac Efron) taking some practice shots before a rather important basketball game. His coach informs that a scout from Cal (and later in the 2009 game, Ohio State University) would be at the game and a full ride scholarship could be on the horizon. This is where the 1st list of logical inconsistencies becomes apparent.

1) Zac Efron’s height is approximately 5’8” (and I refuse to believe otherwise) and is white.
2) He displayed no sign of inordinate athleticism.
3) Both Cal and Ohio State have basketball programs that compete for an NCAA tourney bid nearly every year. They also have produced productive NBA players.
4) Said universities would never waste a full ride scholarship on a 5’8” white kid that doesn’t appear to be extraordinary at basketball.

Before the game begins, Zac Efron engages with the cheerleaders in a dance sequence that is barely plausible as well as thoroughly embarrassing. During the dance, the camera pans the crowd and more inconsistencies come to the forefront. This scene takes place in 1989, but if one were to make a casual observation of the people in the stands it become very apparent that people from costume and make-up failed to do their jobs. The students and parents in the stands are dressed way too modern to be attending a game in 1989.

Being a straight male, I possess a working knowledge of how the game of basketball works. Unfortunately, no such person existed within the production team of this movie. There were a total of 3 basketball game sequences in this film and 2 of them were entirely implausible.

The 1st basketball sequence took place in 1989 after a young Mike O’Donnell danced it up with the cheerleaders. During a timeout, Mike’s girlfriend (Scarlet) informed him that she was pregnant and Mike became understandably shaken by this news. During the ensuing possession for Mike’s team, he looked over at her while dribbling the basketball over a DOZEN times without once paying attention to the person responsible for guarding him. He became overwhelmed by his emotions and walked off the court to console his girlfriend. The basketball was left bouncing where he once stood and continued to bounce 5 times before the opposing team grabbed it and took it in for a lay up. This would never happen. Watch any game of basketball (high school to NBA) and pay attention to the loose ball scenarios. The ball will maybe bounce twice before someone grabs it.

The 2nd basketball sequence took place when Matthew Berry’s character had been transformed into the high school version of himself and had his own son as a teammate. This sequence was equally absurd. The opposing team was up by 6 points with 37 seconds left to play and possession of the ball. In the particular scenario, the coach of the team with possession would be running a play often referred to as 4 Corners and attempt to run out the clock. However, the team was seen running a set play and the point guard passed the ball when he wasn’t being pressured to do so. Hence, the miraculous and improbable comeback began. In the real basketball world, THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

Another basketball related sequence that required more attention involved Mike O’Donnell’s son states that he is practicing 3 point shooting. However, some camera shots clearly reveal that he is no further than 12 feet away from the hoop. The high school 3-point line is approximately 20 feet away from the hoop.

Although the basketball sequences were shockingly unbelievable, even more improbabilities/impossibilities surfaced throughout the film. I gave a pass to the whole mythological aspect of the story but there are several other parts in the movie that were not particularly well thought out.

Before the Mike O’Donnell becomes “17 Again,” several things are revealed about his character and life that require better explanations.

1) The adult version of Mike O’Donnell exists in the year 2009
2) His oldest daughter is a senior in high school
3) Therefore, his daughter is likely between the ages of 17-18
4) However, he and the mother of the child were seniors in high school in 1989.
5) They found out about her pregnancy during their senior year.
6) Thus, the child should be between the ages of 19-20.
7) Oops.

Here are some more peculiar facts about the financial improbabilities about his adult life.

1) He resides relatively close to Westwood College in California, which is located near LA or Orange County.
2) Based on the high school demographic and clothing the students wear, it is fair to assume that the area is rather affluent.
3) If his children are attending this school, property values in the nearby area are probably mildly inflated.
4) Based on the above information and house itself, his home is probably worth anywhere between $400,000 and $800,000.
5) It is also revealed that he didn’t attend college.
6) So the question that begs itself is this: How does a person with a high school diploma and a child to support at the age of 18 afford such a lovely home?

The aforementioned inquiry I suppose is answered by the fact that he works at Wyatt Pharmaceuticals. It’s a little unbelievable. But if I were to give this a pass, I would have to examine his workplace more closely.

1) Based on his house’s value and the implication that his wife doesn’t work, he probably needs to make at least $70,000 a year to keep up on the mortgage payments.
2) However, his workplace is filled with inordinately attractive female co-workers that are between the ages of 21-31. (I wish workplaces like this existed outside of Hooters or Vegas nightclubs)
3) His direct superior appears to be 24-26 years of age.
4) So in what world are inordinately attractive people between the ages of 21 and 31 (working in the same place) making $70,000 a year on salary?

After Mike O’Donnell turns “17 Again,” he attends his old high school and the “attention to detail” department took another vacation.

1) The high school is located in southern California
2) Almost all high schools are outdoors in the aforementioned area.
3) His high school was an indoor high school.
4) There were chalkboards in the classroom
5) Based on the affluent student population, the classrooms would at least have whiteboards and dry erase markers.
6) Mike’s daughter is making out with her boyfriend (the antagonist) during class. Any self-respecting teacher would never let this happen.
7) This kissing scene takes place in a health class full of seniors, but in almost all districts in southern California, health class is taken freshman year.

I feel I could go on forever, but I will end with this. When Mike O’Donnell goes back to high school, some girls are checking him out and the following quote is delivered.

“If that boy were an apple, he’d be a delicious.”

…excellent.

Twilight

I recently watched Twilight for the first time….wow.

I realized why teenage girls are eating this up. This is right up their proverbial alleys. Here is the story line: The main character (a seventeen year old girl) falls in love with a vampire boy who is posing as a seventeen year old but is closer to 100 years old. If one does the math, 100 years old + 17 years old = pedophile. Good stuff.

Aside from the whole mythological aspect of the film, the first logical misstep I noticed involved the occupation of Bella’s new stepfather. According to the film, Bella’s mom remarried a man named Phil who was a minor league baseball player and whose job required they be on the road, hence, Bella had to move the northwest region. This is a major logical oversight.

Being that Bella is 17 years old when the second marriage occurs; one can logically assume that her mother (barring a teenage pregnancy) is about 40-45 years of age. Under this assumption, her new husband would be approximately the same age. However, most minor league baseball players are between the ages of 19-24. Most, if not all, minor league teams would not waste a roster spot on a player who is approximately 40 years old unless he is in the mold of Roger Clemens/Barry Bonds and is returning from an injury. They (the Major League affiliate) simply would not be receiving a favorable return on their investment. Lazy writing.

Another peculiarity I noticed regarded the high school that Bella attended. According the movie, she attends Forks High School in Washington where she attends with 357 other people. The population of said town is about 3000. To live in a town where over 10% of its population attends high school is highly unlikely. Not impossible, but definitely not probable

I also couldn’t help but notice the ethnic diversity that existed within Bella’s group of friends. One must admire her progressive approach to making new chums.

Soon after Bella’s time at Forks High School begins, her class takes a field trip to some sort of plant palace/greenhouse. Two full size school buses were parked outside. Why did this bother me? Allow me to explain.

1) A full size school bus holds approximately 50 students if they are sitting 2 to a seat.
2) With 2 buses taken, they can bus 100 students if need be.
3) That means the school district allowed a school to have 30% of its student population to attend a field trip pertaining to one science class (which would never happen).
4) However, there were only 12-20 distinctly different students present during the excursion.

But my favorite part of the movie was the following quote:

“I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

This quote alone is proof that the vast majority of teenage girls are unforgivably stupid. This entire unlikely infatuation is rooted in the fact that Bella lusts after Edward and has little to do with his “compelling and engaging” personality. When this gem of a quote is delivered, she has known of Edward’s existence for about a month and has engaged in conversations where a total of 100 words were spoken by either party. Helen Keller might be mistaken for an auctioneer next to these two.
Another moment of illogical behavior was when she willingly went into a relationship with him after he told her that he had murdered people in the past and that her blood was his own personalized brand of heroin. What a dumb slut. This is the same mindset adopted by women who marry prisoners that are incarcerated for life while they are locked up.